Is it bedtime yet?

This is no longer knew to me and yet it doesn't make the day go any easier....court days are NO fun! 

Started off the day with screaming from Rylee with a continuous repeating of "cup" "cup" "cup"! And no it does not stop! Miss Rylee can be like an awful record on repeat. She just won't stop! Add in Trents whining from his lovely digestive issues, Holidays or vacations away you can guarantee constipation. Sunny our fat cat thinking she's starving and Harley throwing up on the floor. I was crazy before I even downed my first cup of coffee, begging for patience and peace for the day! All that on top of my urge to start an all out fight with my allergies and things were starting out just wonderful! On a good note things did get a bit better. After mineral oil yesterday, a fruit and veggie diet for two days and milk magnesium and a subpository this morning Trent finally went to the bathroom!!! Ugh! Thought maybe just maybe he would out grow this awful curse, but nope! Today constipation, tomorrow the opposite...but hopefully back to school! So see that's good! And then my Dad and Steve worked on the deck for a short time in between rain. So progress!! Decided since the day was going so well I would write Olivianas Grandma and see how things were going.....not what I wanted to hear. Apparently we were great candidates but our location was the issue. So I'm sad. And more then that just confused. Why was that door even ever opened???!!! Why the call, why the anticipation and excitement only to have the door slammed in our face! I may never understand. But God has a reason and still does I'm sure. Doesn't help me feel better right now though...I really got my hopes up there and I shouldn't have. Court lasted an hour and 3/4 today, so long and drawn out!! And so incredibly frustrating!!! Heart breaking even! I just don't understand why I need to be there and endure that....worst part of fostering so far! However Rylee is staying in our home and we're pretty happy with that! Came home to asking if Steve could take care of dinner for us, I swear my anxiety and stress comes afterwards when I have a second to evaluate all that happened and feel I can file it away in my head. Weird but how I work. Before hand I avoid and ignore and say I'm completely fine...on the outside and subconsciously scream on the inside. Can't explain it to well. So I just can't wait for bedtime and quiet time. A fresh start in the morning! Cause to be honest, today just sucks! Sorry for the nasty use of that word but it does. 

Gonna finish this blog by saying how very thankful I am for a God who loves me and takes care of me and knows what's best for me! Doesn't mean days won't completely stink and we won't struggle and have periods of time where we just wanna throw in the towel. But tomorrow is new and one day all this will be gone! I'm going to choose to focus....or try to focus on all that! Cause man today I could easily get sucked into poor me, all I want is babies and a full house and a hig family....why why why!!!! 

God IS good...ALL THE TIME! 

ANNOYING!!!!

Ever have a whole conversation with someone to five minutes later realize they didn't hear a word you sad? Doesn't it make you feel about as small as an ant? Ever wonder if technology is taking over and sucking all the attention from everything else that matters? Ever look around and wonder what happened to common respect and courtesy?

I read something in a blog the other day and it was about being married and the little things that annoy us with our spouse. Are those little annoyances worth the negative thoughts that travel through our head? Do we need to just change our mind about certain things and realize that they just aren't that bad and that maybe the other person just can't that quickly change them for us. Sometimes people don't do things just to annoy us it's just something they do...make sense? I know I know I actually hated reading that! And yet what truth and truth I shout quite often. EVERYTHING ISN'T ABOUT ME!!! I could make a very long list of annoyances about Steve and I'm 100% sure he could do the same about me and yet if I dwell on those things I can quickly get sucked into the negative mind set and I can no longer even see why I love him in the first place, all the good things, and those things out way the bad....I think ;). See if I sit and go over all my flaws and make that same list I sometimes can make with others I quickly fall off that pedestal I can put myself on.

-I'm controlling
-I'm loud
-I bite my finger nails if I'm bored
-love a debate, I'm a good arguer
-I'm stubborn
-I ALWAYS get the last word
-I 'parent' everyone
-I believe I'm right.....
-I'm demanding
-I bite the inside of my mouth when I'm thinking
-I tap my legs when I'm anxious
-I hate confined, tight areas where other people have to touch me
-You will never want me as a passenger in your car cause I freak out more then I don't
and this list could go a mile long if you ask those close to me about my annoyances.


See, My hubby, the love of my life since I was 17 years old. Yes from the first time I talked to him and he gave me a ride in his "cool car" I knew I would marry him and I fell hard and fast! He was and still is my bad boy! And when I look at him I still see that 21 year old boy I fell in love with. My list of annoyances I write down in my head for him can grow and grow from day to day, especially in layoff season...now! But then someone kicks that pedestal out from under me and when I'm sitting next to him and realize we're on the same human, we all make mistakes, level I see all the good we both have. I also quickly realize how my flaws can cause flaws in him and vice versa. Funny how that one works. We all have our things and we can't expect others to change themselves for us but we can deftly change ourselves for them. I was barking out commands this morning as I do, it's really completely normal here. As sad as it may seem I'm the in charge person. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe the man is the head of the house and I fully respect my husband and know that God has given him that role. But on a day to day basis I tend to control how our days go and how we do things and its just how our day flows. As I was doing this this morning though I quickly realized that Steve heard nothing I said and then I found myself getting very frustrated. This really isn't abnormal. Steve quickly gets caught up in tv or his device and doesn't even realize I'm talking or even in the room. SO I kick him!!! Okay maybe not but I think about it and commit the act in my head! Haha!! I know Steve doesn't do this ignoring thing on purpose, he doesn't even realize he does it, and I know he truly loves me and does think I'm important and doesn't wanna make me feel any less then that. I wish it was easier for people to change the little disrespectful, annoying things but it's not. So lets change how we react to them. Lets love others and those flows.

***UGH!!!! Struggling with this blog as my husband is walking past me and yelling out my flaws so my above list can apparently be more accurate.

So this morning on this beautiful morning I encourage you to remember that you love others and while we can get annoyed and hurt, feel disrespected, mistreated, etc we have probably done the same thing to another. Love, embrace differences, embrace those annoying flaws cause we know positive ones come with them, be kind, remember we're human too. Remember, someday the ones we love and the ones with those crazy, annoying flaws will be gone and we'll probably miss them and their flaws.

Why's it SO stinking quiet in this house?!?!

As I contemplated how I would start my week I was oddly saddened by the realization of how quiet and almost boring our house would be, and let me tell you our house is never boring! But for me and the week I had last week, this week is starting off like a vacation. And let me just say it....I miss the crazyness!!!!! Where's the noise and busy-ness and running around with no sitting down time?! I miss Oliviana!!!! 

Here's a bit of info on how we got to get Miss Livy for the week.....

          A few months ago, maybe even as far back as Thanksgiving, my Grandma mentioned her sisters sons girlfriend (can you follow that train?!)  has a grandbaby that they maybe looking to adopt out. That they just can't handle a baby. They wanted to know what we thought. So I told my Grandma that I think it's a bad decision to consider splitting up siblings, Yes there is a brother, but that if they needed our help we would be there. I didn't get my hopes up just told her we'll see what happens. So all these months have gone past and we got a call again from my Grandma. I still wasn't sure how serious this family was. But my Dad made some calls to his Aunt and we set up a meet. A little over a week ago we met with Oliviana's Grandma and her at my Great Aunts house. Got some info on the family...Mom has been in and out of rehab and Dad is doing 5-10 in prison. Sad story. Grandma has been raising her Grandson since birth and he is now just turning 6. Oliviana officially came to live with her in October but was coming off and on since birth. Grandma just doesn't have the time for a baby. Oliviana spends almost all her time in daycare. I think it's a super selfless act for Grandma to realize she can't give Oliviana what she needs. Money can't but what this little girl truly needs....so they wanted a trial run and we committed!! And our crazy week began....

    Imagine this picture above, minus the gloves and two very crazy, aggressive, demanding, stubborn little girls! Yes, there was many full out Brawls! I can't even describe how crazy loud and nuts our house was. All I can say is that by the Grace of God I was surrounded by peace and calmness the whole time! I tell you I am meant for this job! And I know....God knew that all along! But seriously you just never know till you are in those shoes. Oliviana has a lot to learn. "No" was not a word she recognized and being told anything just went over her head. Tantrums are a mild word for what she would do when not getting her way. Two months apart in age from Rylee and they are so different in the things they can do. Rylee says 2-3 word sentences and Livy maybe 1-2 words. Rylee uses a spoon and fork and I'm pretty sure Livy had no clue what they even were. A bottle, which I broke the first day! But she's smart and as the week progressed she was catching on. It's simply someone putting in the time and teaching her, loving her, and showing her what a family is and that she's important and cared for. 

 ^^^^^^The only reason I do what I do, it's not about me in ANYWAY!^^^^^^

See I thrive in chaos and I'm bored with the "norm". Give me crazy and I'm happy! I can't stand sitting around and not feeling like I have stuff to do all the time! And I'm not talking the normal stuff, give me more! And yes I run things a certain way and I like doing it alone so to speak, I don't like help cause it just messes up all thats in its place in my head. Haha! Makes sense to me even if not to you! This is how God made me and He knew what I would be good for and thats this crazy huge family I see in our future!!!! Now if only some farm house and some land was added to that....a dream :) God has such HUGE plans for our family and I can't even describe how it makes me feel inside!!!!!!

        So now we wait. The part I AM NOT good at!!! I miss Oliviana and I don't know if she will return. Other families are being tried :( and thats a good thing and I know that. I know God opened this door for a reason and he has a plan either way. The quiet house is bringing me down and while I knew last week was a trial it was a lot harder to come home from dropping her off then I anticipated. I'm also struggling with Rylee....her "mom" is currently doing everything required to get her back and next week is court. Reality is she could go home. I know this! I do....but at this point I don't want her to. She deftly holds a huge part in our hearts. As did Oliviana even in the short week she was here. These precious little girls just need a family and love and that's all I pray for them!!! So I feel like things are way too in limbo for me and I have no control and at times I feel I can't breath. But then I'm reminded God opened these doors for a reason and ever since the beginning, finding out our "family" wouldn't be made the "normal" way I knew we would still have a family. A big one and I know God hears my cries, loves me and wants only the best for us and will do great things either way! He is good and loves me! 

        And what do I do when I feel overwhelmed? I pile things on. So this week I'm helping out at Trents school, making Easter candy, getting an estimate for a deck and hopefully getting that in the works :), cleaning (spring), yard work cause it's gonna be a beautiful week, believe it!, and who knows what else I can jam in! Oh yeah my grandparents are coming to town, woohoo!!!!! I hope everyone has a wonderful start to their week! 

This is my tune for the week.....

For goodness sakes be nice!

      Got a call this morning and was talking to a friend and my heart just hurt listening to her. 
    
      

Are people just simply confused as to what being kind means? Or does it just take too much effort? 

Wikipedia definition of Kindness is : Kindness is a behavior marked by ethical characteristics, a pleasant disposition, and concern for others. It is known as a virtue, and recognized as a value in many cultures and religions 

 For years I worked for my Dad and so I was surrounded by just men. And let me tell you, I will take the looks of "what are you doing here?" over the pettiness of woman any day. I don't mean to sound harsh (I tend to say that quite often #sorrynotsorry) but seriously woman can be so mean!!! The gossip and snobbishness. The attitudes. Moodiness. I'm not saying it's all woman in all work places but you will usually find at least one or two woman in almost every place who like to make it known how lovely they are to be around. I know there is usually a story behind the meanness, a life that didn't quite go the way we wanted, life at home isn't great, jealousy, hurt, bills, stress, sickness. That's life. And it can be hard! Does that mean we have the right to take it out on another? I also know that work brings it's own set of stresses. And we don't always get the best job of the day or the best co worker or at least the one we wanna work with, or Or OR. The list can go on for the amount of excuses we could have for why we have a poor attitude and take it out on those around us. Honestly I don't even care what the excuse is. If we go to work every single day and hate our job or find the need to pick on others. Be rude. Unkind. Nasty. Quit your job! Give everyone else that much! And it's not just about poor attitudes. But what about the gossiping? Grown woman sitting around, whispering and giggling over someone else. What about Bullying? Singling out one person to pick on. Weather it's because they are slow, fast, prettier, have more money, dress different, talk different, smarter, not so smart, the list could go on. And again we have every excuse in the book as to why we feel we have the right to treat someone else unkind. And yet, don't do it to us!

Ladies we really need to look at ourselves and make sure we are being an example...our little girls are watching us and with bullying at an all time high we truly need to watch the things we say and the things we stand around and listen to. Don't give into enjoying petty conversation. Don't laugh at anothers misfortune. And stop treating others like they simply don't matter. And if needed a 'post it' works wonderfully for Galations 5:22 on your forehead! 

Mustard seeds, death and faith that moves mountains.

     Sheila Walsh you deftly get my mind moving. As I'm working my way through Extraordinary Faith and the study that comes with it I'm finding myself having to research things a bit just to understand them more for myself. Faith like a "mustard seed". I'm sure we've all heard that a time or two but have we really understood it? The smallest of seeds. Tiny! The tiniest amount of faith and with that God can move a mountain. WOW! You get that? Truly get that? Cause it's not even about us, in the least bit. God is saying just have faith in me, trust me and that alone is all he wants. Too often we make it about us. If we do this, then that will happen and if we do that, that will happen. As if we control what God can do and has done. How foolish!!!! Recently someone told me that they were approached during a hard time in their lives by someone and this person said to them that maybe they don't believe in God enough and that is why this horrible thing happened to them. HA! As if we hold the power to control what the God of the universe does! How sad on SO many levels. I've been trying to read up more and more on Abraham and how his faith goes beyond anything I can ever imagine...at least thats how I feel today but I pray that someday my faith will be that strong. He had enough faith in God that when God told him he needed to sacrifice his son, the son he waited years for and loved more then anything, he obeyed. He had faith that God would follow through with His promise and either not allow Abraham to kill his son or revive him after the fact. Can you imagine? Can you even grasp that amount of faith and trust? Cause I can't and I pray that someday I will. Although I also believe God gives us that trust and faith in the midst of a trial and we will only understand it fully at that very time...so for now I start with a mustard seed. God meets us where we are at and for that I am so incredibly thankful. 

I've been struggling lately with my frustration  with being a "mom" to Rylee. Doing what God has called me to do as a foster mom. Love her. Care for her. My frustration with the system and biological mom leads me to put up huge walls around my heart. One day we feel we're closer to adoption, the next day it's the reality that Rylee is NOT ours and can leave our home at any day and at any time. Some days I feel it's a complete tease. I never thought we would even be asked to adopt Rylee. I never thought we would even get close to it. And here we are and I get my hopes up thinking all this time and effort is worth it cause the goal is adoption. But that isn't the goal. The goal is loving and caring for this little girl, doing the job God has set before me. Its not about me and some days I make it about me and my desires and then all I do is battle myself. I feel defeated and my frustration comes through with how I care for this little girl. How foolish right? Then I sit and think why would God allow this little girl to stay in my home when I can act so foolish? ITS NOT ABOUT ME!!!! 

My prayer is to start with my tiny mustard seed of faith and pray that I can just build on that. Grow. Learn. Understand God is in control and to trust in him. He loves me and wants the best for me. That doesn't mean trials wont come. Life can be hard and life can be SO SO good! But all along the way HE is in control and if I trust in Him I can rest assured all is well and all is taken care of. 

Here is a few things I highlighted in my Extraordinary Faith book that I feel I should share....Again READ it! Great book!!!

Hebrews 13:5 "I Will Be There!"

"Whatever you are facing right now, be it the worst of times or the best, remember you are loved by a God who spared nothing of Himself to show His faithfulness. 

There is a green hill far away, outside a city wall, Where the dear Lord was crucified, who died to save us all. O dearly, dearly, has He loved, and we must love Him, too, And trust in His redeeming blood, and try His works to do. We may not know, we cannot tell, what pains He had to bear; But we believe it was for us He hung and suffered there. -Cecil F. Alexander ......THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A BIT!!!!!

Sorry NOT sorry

The Sad truth of the matter is every single one of my blogs is about people. Lots and lots of people. Are you the center of it? No. Sorry for that but no you are not. I take a lot of time to think through the things I write and how they will effect those around me. Will the things I say touch a nerve? Will I offend? And will I touch a nerve or offend for the right or wrong reasons? For a second or two this week I contemplated apologizing for the things I have said on my last blog. I even went as far as deleting it. But I'm back and I'm here standing firm in my right to freedom of speech and the fact that yes, sometimes, the things that I say are going to step on peoples toes. Buttercup you need to suck it up and realize everything in life is not perfect and not everything can be sugar coated. Truth hurts! I cannot and will not apologize for my honesty. I also will never apologize for what I believe is right. I will however apologize when I am wrong and baby that happens quite often, I'm human and God is STILL working on me! I got a few responses this week over my past blog and blogs before that one. My honesty level and how I come across. Maybe we all don't believe the same things. Maybe I'm harsh. Maybe I'm writing just about one person (and yet I've had comments from a few people), is it about me??!! This is my blog. My thoughts and my interpretation of what I go through daily and what I observe. It's also about what I believe in my walk with God, how I've interpreted His word. I'm not here to battle you. I wont argue with you either. If something has touch a nerve thats between you and God or simply just for you to learn how to handle asking yourself why, why has that just touched a nerve. Lots of people make there way into my blog. I never share names or make something just about one person. Please don't take it personal unless there's a reason for it. Most people appreciate my honesty and know that this is who I am. I'm not out to hurt anyone or offend. 

I also want to touch base on something in my last blog....Accountability and Judging. As a believer I do NOT think there's a difference. I also believe and stand firm to I have a right to hold another believer accountable and place judgement on them for their actions. If I'm doing wrong, I wanna know about it, I wanna have the opportunity to fix it.  I wanna make it right! I'm the type of person who has no problem asking for forgiveness or giving it. However, If you point out anothers flaws  and don't want to forgive or move past it....why are you doing it? We are to do everything in love. We are never to do it with a oh holier then thou attitude. Everyone makes mistakes. We have no right to constantly jump on people. But if someone is living wrong and continuing to trip on the same thing aren't we as brothers and sisters in Christ suppose to point it out and help them try to make it right? 
Just a few verses:
Prov 27:17
Gal 6:1-2
Matt 18:15-17
Eph 4:25
James 5:19-20

Another thing. When I say and refer to "believers" I'm referring to those who have made a personal decision between them and God.  They believe that Christ died for our sins. Through Him and Him alone can we get to heaven. Only God can make that possible and nothing more. We have done nothing to deserve this but Christ loves us enough that he has paid for our sins on the cross. I firmly believe this decision can never go away. I also believe in making this decision, it changes our hearts and our desires....or should. 
John 3 Accepting Christ into our hearts. 
Act 4:12 , 16:31
John 14:6

        Wow It's actually Thursday already! This week is flying past! I have had appointments everyday and on weeks like that I feel like house work lacks and I'm so much more tired at night. Not to mention the sinus infection I am sure I have makes me even more tired. And even as I'm here typing I'm on hold with Verizon trying to get through to a rep. Gotta multitask to keep getting things done on my catch up day. 
       
Sorta a grumpy week for me here in Ridgway. Got caught up in a bad attitude I gained from letting others negative attitudes or remarks get to me. For that I can only blame myself and kick myself in the butt to get out of this slump! I let a comment I may or may not have taken wrong eat at me.....I am a stay at home Mom and wife. I absolutely love my job!! I know that God placed me here and I am absolutely grateful for the job that I have everyday, 24\7, 365 days a year! Its probably the most rewarding job ever! Not everyone has the opportunity to do what I do or wants to do it, but I do. I love cleaning dirty diapers, vacuuming, laundry, trash, scrubbing the toilet, playing with the kiddos and watching them all day long. God gave me these two kiddos and I will do the best job I can in helping raise them. I get the job of "babysitting" my kids all day long while others may have to put their kids in daycare or a babysitting service. I'm thankful I get to do this job. You will not hear me complain about my job as Mom and Wife because nothing makes me happier then serving my family....because in turn I am serving God. He gave me this job, this task. No I am not a busy bee all day long, every single day. You may think a stay at home mom has it SO much easier then a working mom. But I urge you to keep that thought to yourself. It's a completely different thing. And you may have done both and I commend working moms, it's not something I wanna do. But don't put your nose in the air and think you are better then those of us that choose to be home. This is a choice I make, the choice my husband and I make for our family. I would never tell someone that my job is harder then yours because I would never wanna hurt someones feelings, and not only that to each his own. I'm not in your shoes and you are not in mine. I urge people to just be kind! Some thoughts are better kept to oneself. 

I  am a mild version of Martha Stewart or Betty Crocker mixed with a mild hippy side. I love natural and homemade. My cleaners are all homemade, my laundry soap is homemade, I use cloth diapers which I'm addicted to and cloth wipes with a homemade spray solution, homemade baby wipes for on the go, cleaning wipes,  I can, freeze, process deer meat from start to finish, I garden, I cook almost everything from scratch. You wont find to much canned or processed meal items in our home. It's not that I'm opposed it's just I enjoy doing it all myself and I prefer it. I love hanging laundry out, and scrubbing my floors by hand on my knees, I use my hand and a rubber glove to scrub my toilet, I mash potatoes with an antique hand potato masher. I take so much extra time to do things that may take others five minutes to do because thats what I enjoy, thats where my heart is and I figure why not I have the time. See this is what consumes my days. That and a little 20 month old and a 5 year old. Some people hate their jobs and find they do more complaining about it then enjoying it, that's not me. I love everything about what I do and I strive to do it well and to the best of my ability! 

Next month my life will consist of 2 court dates. The beginning of the month is a normal court time of placement where they will decide if Rylee stays in our home at 3 month shots, meaning in 3 months from then we will return to do it all again. At a day following that and not yet decided or set will be court for termination of the biological parents rights. Mom has been keeping up with biweekly visits at bare minimal effort on her part, but it is what it is. Mom is also pregnant again which is sad and at this point she will be urged to give up her rights or risk losing her unborn baby at birth. We had a nice surprise while getting our taxes completed. Here someone else went and claimed Rylee, so now the IRS needs to do an investigation. So not only do we have our personal taxes held up but the credit for foster families is also held up. Wouldn't wanna make an assumption on who claimed a little girl who isn't even in her custody but thats pretty hard to do. Wish she would truly open her eyes and see what damage she is not only doing to her kiddos but herself. Time to get it together. Just gotta pray for her and hope someday something will change. 

Tomorrow is Friday and work outside of the home is calling my name, which means when I get home the couch will be calling my name and numbness to any activity outside of sitting on my backside will cease to exist. Been trying to work twice a week with my Dad, just helping him out at our church bathroom project. Gets me out twice a week and helps him out. Twice a week is all I will commit to and 5 hrs a day would be my max, all my body physically will allow to function with two kiddos when I get home. 

I've heard lots of people complaining about winter blues, I'm not getting that. I love the winter. Time to be indoors with the family. Cozy nights, a slow down period in preparation for busy warm days a head. And the snow isn't too bad either, the ice...well thats another story! Not a fan of walking anywhere and risking falling on my bum! 

So goal for the ending of this week is to smile, complain less, and concentrate on things that are important and true and kind. Social media is scary and every time I check out the things people are saying I truly wonder why? 
      
              So Be kind. Be understanding. Stop being nosy. Stand up for something worth standing for. Put others first. Be loving. Do something for someone else. Stop being an attention seeker. Strive for something better. Pray. Encourage someone. MORE THEN ANYTHING BE KIND AND UNDERSTANDING! God is so good and I struggle daily with letting go and letting God. I sometimes get caught up in my passion for people and my belief system but there is a time and place. I will never be embarrassed or offended by doing what is right but I need to always do it in love and for the right reasons....and everything I do needs to not be about me but always about Christ!