From the Inside Out Lord, my soul cries out
Listening to Pandora on our tv. Praise music. Something I need many mornings as a reminder of how good My God truly is.
Life is crazy. Beyond crazy some days and weeks. Can really weigh me down. However even in the midst of all that I know God is good. And he's constantly taking care of us. I fail my God on a daily basis. I say I yearn for a better relationship with him and yet I constantly fail in making the time for him. How incredibly selfish. I want him to constantly save me from my daily failures and save my family from our hardships and yet I can't spare 10 minutes to come to him for one on one time with him.
A year ago Steve had just started for John Lucks Logging and we were contemplating moving and starting a life in Elk County. What fears we had. We were so unsure what we were going to do but we knew we needed something new. And then after praying so hard and seeking what God wanted, doors opened and after months of Steve driving back and forth from Elk County to Lancaster County we decided God wanted us to make the move.
8 months later some days we find ourselves questioning if we made the right decision. We've been hit with so many obstacles and barriers that make us question why...why did we move...was it the right decision...did we truly listen and hear what God was telling us or did we only listen to what we wanted. But let me tell you. God is good and we're here now and he's been faithful. There's been little things along the way to reassure me that we ARE where God wants us.
My heart has been SO incredibly heavy lately. The family situation here with the Luchs family has only gotten worse. What started as a misunderstanding, and me making a huge mistake of thinking I needed to defend myself and my family turned into me hurting them. My apology meant nothing to them and that I have to live with. I never meant to hurt them. I simply thought I needed to correct the lies and in the process I pointed too many fingers and all they heard was bashing. I've tried repeatedly to make things right. It breaks my heart. And now things have gotten worse...we have kept our distance, respecting their decision to not want a relationship with us. However other family members still want a relationship with us and this has brought on issue after issue and caused more fighting between those family members. I just want it to end. I'm tired of phones calls and text messages. Its breaking me. I miss our relationship and I just don't understand how it's come to this and why we just can't fix it and be back to the way things were. I know God is trying to teach me patience in this and in his time and not mine. I'm struggling with this and in need of lots of prayers. My heart just breaks...I'm doing my best to be respectful and keep my distance and yet let them know our door is always open to them. Everything we do just gets misconstrued and it hurts that I feel they just want everybody to close their door to us. We moved here to work with this family and be here with them and now this....
Ugh...then there's our finances. I don't know what is wrong with me but I stink at finances! I thought I'll get Quicken and this will help...nope still screwing things up. I don't get it! I have such a hard time focusing on them. Checking my banking making sure whats coming and going. You'd think with all the mistakes I've made with my checking account that I would have learned my lesson. NOPE! I really struggle with this...I just don't get it. How can I constantly screw this up??!! God provides. And while we are in no one above our bills for what comes in...we get by and we're overly taken care of. However if it's not one thing it's another. We never get a head. And I know that's reality to many people...most people! It just can get overwhelming very quickly and it constantly makes me wonder what am I doing wrong. I can't stop living and yet every time we see at least things are paid on time then something else comes up. Such is life I guess...another thing for Satan to throw in my face daily and yet guess what? I know my God provides and I have faith we'll be just fine.
Then lets see, what is up with sickness in my house!? From Pmonia for both Trent and I,the flu, me being hospitalized. To Trent not getting over these little colds. To him and Rylee having ear infections. And then Rylee have Bronchiolitis. NOT FUN! And then Monday Steve smashed his foot at work. Thankfully it wasn't broke just badly bruised. But see this is how it goes. One step forward, five backwards.
But here's the thing. With all that complaining and venting I trust God. Some days it seems bad and I get discouraged but I know I'm doing my best and for that I know God will take care of the rest. I know my life isn't any worse then the next person and really my life is amazing!!! I have a wonderful hard working husband who has been in my life 14 years! I love him to death. He makes me laugh, some days makes me cry, but he's an amazing man. He truly takes care of us. He's a wonderful father and that alone means the world to me. I have amazing parents who do so much for us and I just could not be more thankful for them. We have an amazing new church family who would do anything for us. And our cousins here Tommy, Mae and Jer...couldn't be more thankful for our relationship with them. We have such good times together and Trent loves them to death and prays for them everyday. Steves family is also amazing, we don't see them a lot but they are always there for us and it's so nice to know he has such a big and loving family standing behind him. And how awesome that Trents Godparents, his Aunt and Uncle, Ken and Emily traveled here for one day to celebrate his birthday with him, meant so much to us. See God is good. We have all we need. I never ever doubt that.
The huge blessing in my life right now. Rylee. Sweet little Rylee. What amazing thing this fostering situation is teaching me. This is why we were brought to Elk County. This is how I know we are where God wants us. I love what we are doing in the lives of this little girl and her mom. I love the relationship I am building with her mom. It's teaching me about people and how life just grabs them and takes them through the mud and they can't see a way out and I want them to know there is a God that loves them and he will take them out of the mud puddle and carry them to safety. This is teaching me how to accept people where they are and love them right there where they are. They need Jesus and if I can't be there for them and show them Gods love through me...why am I here, why am I even doing this? It's easy to sit back and be mad and upset at the situation and wonder why the state would ever give children back to their parents in situations like this. But people can change and I'm hoping to help Jackie do just that...at least help her understand there's so much more then where she's been. My dream would be to have a home full of foster kids, have an open door to help anybody when I can. I would love to have a full home of kids who need love and just love on them and show them that life can be so much more. Again this is why we are here in Elk County..God is opening our hearts to help those in need and what an amazing thing that is.
So through all the little trials life is throwing our way I have a God I can trust. He is faithful in ALL things! When my anxiety gets high and I'm questioning all the little things that are going on I close my eyes and listen to beautiful worship music and know God is here and he's taking care of us.
Lord you are amazing and when I feel like I'm failing you and failing my relationship with you, you remind me that you're forgiving and you love me and will always, ALWAYs be there for me. Thank you for your everlasting Love for me.
