Healing my broken spirit.

Good Morning everyone!

Brrrrrrr what a chilly morning. My feet are still freezing after taking Trent to school 20 minutes ago. You know it's cold when my crazy barking puppies wont even stay out to bark at every moving object that passes. Happy for coffee to warm me up and make me bright eyed and bushy tailed =) Now to pour some coffee on our frozen truck door so I don't have to hurdle Rylee in her car seat over Trents car seat just to drive two minutes down the road. Happy for a warm house which is happily set at 72 and yes I'm sorta like an old person in that way, I need it toasty or my feet free and my joints suffer. Our fuel company loves me, and so does my hubby who works hard to pay that bill for me to stay warm. What a wonderful man I have! 

Feeling very good this morning. Haven't felt like this in weeks. Sorta been letting life consume me. Never felt like I would be like that. I've always been proud of how strong I am and how much I feel I can endure and still hold my head up thanking God for all my blessings. Not lately though. I got to the point I felt so consumed all I wanted to do was curl up on my couch and sleep. Couldn't even find the energy to do anything, nor did I want to. I got so weak I felt like I would fall with every step I tried to make. I put on a great front to the world but inside I have been crumbling lately. I've let my need to be in prayer drift to the way side and even have felt sorta angry at God for how I've been feeling. I let one thing add on to another and another and the weight became too much. It's my controlling side. I think about everyone, everything and for some reason think it's on me to think about how to fix it all. God is really trying hard to grab me and shake me and say RELY ON ME!!!!! Feeling sorta stupid. Why when I need God the most do I try harder to do it myself?! I'm still struggling to get back into seeking God and Pray to him to help me, I don't get that. I know I need him and I know I need that time with him. And yet it's like my mind wont do it! Never felt like I needed prayer more from others as I do now. I need God to grab me harder and shake me and shake the stubborn side out. I need him and he's trying in every way to teach me that. I know that even in my rough days someone has it worse and I need to focus on God and all the blessings he has given to me and I even need to thank him for the tribulations, cause they are there for a reason and he is in control of things even in those times and is working all things together for HIS purpose. I must say though, I am glad I know God because without him I cannot imagine enduring things and feeling hopeless and to not see an end in site, yes sometimes I feel like that but I know God has a purpose and one day maybe I'll understand it all. God is good and I know that even in the midst of my darkest days. He loves me and that's enough. 

I'm thankful once again for my parents. For my mom taking my tearful phone call on Saturday and lifting my broken spirit.  For hearing what I was saying and understanding. For basically hugging me through the phone. I needed a shoulder to cry on and while all I got was a phone call it helped. And it also helped to just release those feelings and to cry it out. I've been very appreciative lately for what I had living so close to my parents before. With being so far away from my support system it's been hard. To never get a break from life when I need it now is hard. I love being a stay at home mom and love doing what I do, but some days every once in a while it's nice to have a break and that is something I no longer get living a part from family and friends. However my parents are amazing and they offered to come and get me and the kids and take us for a mini vacation at their house....next week!!!! Steve and I and the kids did get to get out on Sunday and leave things behind for a little and just have family time and that defly helped a million!!! I also got to spend sometime out at ladies night Saturday night with ladies from our church, and while I was feeling very down while there, I got to laugh a little in a game we played and that helped lift my spirits. I also came home and talked to my husband who gave me a listening ear which I so needed. I'm also again thankful for two other people. My friend Tiffany who while we barely ever speak through an actual conversation is there through hundred of my texts and lifts my mommy spirit when days aren't going so well. I miss her dearly and it makes me tear up when I think of our friendship and the years we've had such a close friendship and now being so far away we still are trying hard to preserve that. And Mae...I'm thankful for our couponing time together, yes I'm giggling writing that. But it's time out, once a week with another woman. An outlet. A shopping spree!!! Yes to me it's like a huge wonderful shopping spree. I'm addicted to a deal! I'm thankful for Mae and Tommy and how we support each other and are there for each other when needed most! 

So this week my goal is to get into Gods word! Read a good Christian book. PRAY! Seek God and allow him to work in me. Get my broken spirit healed. Dry my tears...get up and hold my head high. Listen to worship music all the time!!!!