Sweet little Rylee. A sweet 8 month little girl. How you are teaching me patience and understanding.
We have now had Rylee almost 4 months and it definitely seems much longer. I loved the thought of getting into fostering. Helping little children and their families when needed most. I know this is a God thing cause I requested NO babies and Rylee is our first foster child and yes shes definitely a baby. Why do we always have to learn the hard way? Trent was such an easy baby. Never cried. Followed a sleeping and eating schedule. Wasn't needy. He was lazy and quiet. I could get anything done and it was almost like he wasn't even there. EASY! And while he's changed quite a bit since then I had it easy in his early years. Rylee though....she's a hand full. She whines all the time. She demands attentions all the time. Cries through almost every feeding cause she's not getting it fast enough. She blows raspberry's during eating and does this coughing thing spitting her food every where. We now have to strap her in her high chair and put her hands under her tray or she sways back and forth and swings her arms every where hitting the spoon every time. Shes has ants in her pants. Wont lay still for any kind of clothing or diaper change. She sticks everything in her mouth!!! She finds the smallest piece of dirt on the floor and in her mouth it goes. Telling her "no"...HA! She actually laughs at you! Oh she's a stinker!!! While I'm vacuuming I'm finding she needs to be sitting in either her bouncy or her swing cause she crawls right to my cords and chews away like a little puppy. Needless to say she is quite the handful.
It's been hard adjusting to her being here. Trying to tell myself I can't get over attached and yet finding I've done the exact opposite in trying to protect myself from getting hurt. I love having her here. It will be very hard to watch her leave. But most days by the end of the day I just can't wait for bed time! I feel like she defly feels my disconnect from her and maybe there's stress felt there?! I don't know. She is such a sweetie and can brighten your day when she smiles, but her whining and crying...oh I can't even explain how that goes through me. I now have a greater sympathy for moms dealing with colicie babies. I'm just trying to learn patience in understanding. She was brought into our home to love and to be cared for and that is what I am here to do and want to do it well. I don't want to feel disconnected from every child that enters our home. I don't want to feel like I'm simply babysitting. I want them to feel like they are apart of our family. Yes I don't want the pain of watching them leave in the end but I almost would rather that then this disconnect.
My relationship with Rylees mom has also had to take a back burner. This is all a learning process for Steve and I and with this being our first family I'm hoping we'll learn and grow as we go. The foster agency raves about us and how we have opened our home to not only Rylee but also to her mom. However I think her mom isn't going to understand boundaries very well. She's getting out in two weeks and yes she knows where we live, and I'm concerned in her not wanting CYS involved with our visits that she may think our relationship will allow me to want to break the rules for her. I'm finding out quickly how she works things and in that I'm having to distance myself from our conversations, which to her makes her mad, but it's needed. I'm trying to be there for her and be encouraging but to also follow rules I have to follow as a foster parents and to just simply have boundaries and she's not understanding that very well. All a learning process. I'm just hoping she will understand and not make me need to set up stronger boundaries in her wanting to be with her daughter, demanding her rights as mom!
So over all I'm still finding this a huge blessing in my life. Learning patience, kindness and understanding. And I know God has brought this into our lives for a learning tool and to show others how loving God is through us. Days can be rough and it's hard fostering and I don't think that part will necessarily get easier, but I do think God will equip us with the tools needed when needed for doing this. Two months from now the court will decide if Rylees mom is a fit mom to have her daughter back and that will be a hard day. A day that I will need to put full faith in God that he is in control and placing Rylee where she needs to be and that she will be safe. This isn't a job for everyone and honestly some days I wonder if I'm the one for this job...however I know God lead us to this and he is seeing us through.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Healing my broken spirit.
Good Morning everyone!
Brrrrrrr what a chilly morning. My feet are still freezing after taking Trent to school 20 minutes ago. You know it's cold when my crazy barking puppies wont even stay out to bark at every moving object that passes. Happy for coffee to warm me up and make me bright eyed and bushy tailed =) Now to pour some coffee on our frozen truck door so I don't have to hurdle Rylee in her car seat over Trents car seat just to drive two minutes down the road. Happy for a warm house which is happily set at 72 and yes I'm sorta like an old person in that way, I need it toasty or my feet free and my joints suffer. Our fuel company loves me, and so does my hubby who works hard to pay that bill for me to stay warm. What a wonderful man I have!
Feeling very good this morning. Haven't felt like this in weeks. Sorta been letting life consume me. Never felt like I would be like that. I've always been proud of how strong I am and how much I feel I can endure and still hold my head up thanking God for all my blessings. Not lately though. I got to the point I felt so consumed all I wanted to do was curl up on my couch and sleep. Couldn't even find the energy to do anything, nor did I want to. I got so weak I felt like I would fall with every step I tried to make. I put on a great front to the world but inside I have been crumbling lately. I've let my need to be in prayer drift to the way side and even have felt sorta angry at God for how I've been feeling. I let one thing add on to another and another and the weight became too much. It's my controlling side. I think about everyone, everything and for some reason think it's on me to think about how to fix it all. God is really trying hard to grab me and shake me and say RELY ON ME!!!!! Feeling sorta stupid. Why when I need God the most do I try harder to do it myself?! I'm still struggling to get back into seeking God and Pray to him to help me, I don't get that. I know I need him and I know I need that time with him. And yet it's like my mind wont do it! Never felt like I needed prayer more from others as I do now. I need God to grab me harder and shake me and shake the stubborn side out. I need him and he's trying in every way to teach me that. I know that even in my rough days someone has it worse and I need to focus on God and all the blessings he has given to me and I even need to thank him for the tribulations, cause they are there for a reason and he is in control of things even in those times and is working all things together for HIS purpose. I must say though, I am glad I know God because without him I cannot imagine enduring things and feeling hopeless and to not see an end in site, yes sometimes I feel like that but I know God has a purpose and one day maybe I'll understand it all. God is good and I know that even in the midst of my darkest days. He loves me and that's enough.
I'm thankful once again for my parents. For my mom taking my tearful phone call on Saturday and lifting my broken spirit. For hearing what I was saying and understanding. For basically hugging me through the phone. I needed a shoulder to cry on and while all I got was a phone call it helped. And it also helped to just release those feelings and to cry it out. I've been very appreciative lately for what I had living so close to my parents before. With being so far away from my support system it's been hard. To never get a break from life when I need it now is hard. I love being a stay at home mom and love doing what I do, but some days every once in a while it's nice to have a break and that is something I no longer get living a part from family and friends. However my parents are amazing and they offered to come and get me and the kids and take us for a mini vacation at their house....next week!!!! Steve and I and the kids did get to get out on Sunday and leave things behind for a little and just have family time and that defly helped a million!!! I also got to spend sometime out at ladies night Saturday night with ladies from our church, and while I was feeling very down while there, I got to laugh a little in a game we played and that helped lift my spirits. I also came home and talked to my husband who gave me a listening ear which I so needed. I'm also again thankful for two other people. My friend Tiffany who while we barely ever speak through an actual conversation is there through hundred of my texts and lifts my mommy spirit when days aren't going so well. I miss her dearly and it makes me tear up when I think of our friendship and the years we've had such a close friendship and now being so far away we still are trying hard to preserve that. And Mae...I'm thankful for our couponing time together, yes I'm giggling writing that. But it's time out, once a week with another woman. An outlet. A shopping spree!!! Yes to me it's like a huge wonderful shopping spree. I'm addicted to a deal! I'm thankful for Mae and Tommy and how we support each other and are there for each other when needed most!
So this week my goal is to get into Gods word! Read a good Christian book. PRAY! Seek God and allow him to work in me. Get my broken spirit healed. Dry my tears...get up and hold my head high. Listen to worship music all the time!!!!
Brrrrrrr what a chilly morning. My feet are still freezing after taking Trent to school 20 minutes ago. You know it's cold when my crazy barking puppies wont even stay out to bark at every moving object that passes. Happy for coffee to warm me up and make me bright eyed and bushy tailed =) Now to pour some coffee on our frozen truck door so I don't have to hurdle Rylee in her car seat over Trents car seat just to drive two minutes down the road. Happy for a warm house which is happily set at 72 and yes I'm sorta like an old person in that way, I need it toasty or my feet free and my joints suffer. Our fuel company loves me, and so does my hubby who works hard to pay that bill for me to stay warm. What a wonderful man I have!
Feeling very good this morning. Haven't felt like this in weeks. Sorta been letting life consume me. Never felt like I would be like that. I've always been proud of how strong I am and how much I feel I can endure and still hold my head up thanking God for all my blessings. Not lately though. I got to the point I felt so consumed all I wanted to do was curl up on my couch and sleep. Couldn't even find the energy to do anything, nor did I want to. I got so weak I felt like I would fall with every step I tried to make. I put on a great front to the world but inside I have been crumbling lately. I've let my need to be in prayer drift to the way side and even have felt sorta angry at God for how I've been feeling. I let one thing add on to another and another and the weight became too much. It's my controlling side. I think about everyone, everything and for some reason think it's on me to think about how to fix it all. God is really trying hard to grab me and shake me and say RELY ON ME!!!!! Feeling sorta stupid. Why when I need God the most do I try harder to do it myself?! I'm still struggling to get back into seeking God and Pray to him to help me, I don't get that. I know I need him and I know I need that time with him. And yet it's like my mind wont do it! Never felt like I needed prayer more from others as I do now. I need God to grab me harder and shake me and shake the stubborn side out. I need him and he's trying in every way to teach me that. I know that even in my rough days someone has it worse and I need to focus on God and all the blessings he has given to me and I even need to thank him for the tribulations, cause they are there for a reason and he is in control of things even in those times and is working all things together for HIS purpose. I must say though, I am glad I know God because without him I cannot imagine enduring things and feeling hopeless and to not see an end in site, yes sometimes I feel like that but I know God has a purpose and one day maybe I'll understand it all. God is good and I know that even in the midst of my darkest days. He loves me and that's enough.
I'm thankful once again for my parents. For my mom taking my tearful phone call on Saturday and lifting my broken spirit. For hearing what I was saying and understanding. For basically hugging me through the phone. I needed a shoulder to cry on and while all I got was a phone call it helped. And it also helped to just release those feelings and to cry it out. I've been very appreciative lately for what I had living so close to my parents before. With being so far away from my support system it's been hard. To never get a break from life when I need it now is hard. I love being a stay at home mom and love doing what I do, but some days every once in a while it's nice to have a break and that is something I no longer get living a part from family and friends. However my parents are amazing and they offered to come and get me and the kids and take us for a mini vacation at their house....next week!!!! Steve and I and the kids did get to get out on Sunday and leave things behind for a little and just have family time and that defly helped a million!!! I also got to spend sometime out at ladies night Saturday night with ladies from our church, and while I was feeling very down while there, I got to laugh a little in a game we played and that helped lift my spirits. I also came home and talked to my husband who gave me a listening ear which I so needed. I'm also again thankful for two other people. My friend Tiffany who while we barely ever speak through an actual conversation is there through hundred of my texts and lifts my mommy spirit when days aren't going so well. I miss her dearly and it makes me tear up when I think of our friendship and the years we've had such a close friendship and now being so far away we still are trying hard to preserve that. And Mae...I'm thankful for our couponing time together, yes I'm giggling writing that. But it's time out, once a week with another woman. An outlet. A shopping spree!!! Yes to me it's like a huge wonderful shopping spree. I'm addicted to a deal! I'm thankful for Mae and Tommy and how we support each other and are there for each other when needed most!
So this week my goal is to get into Gods word! Read a good Christian book. PRAY! Seek God and allow him to work in me. Get my broken spirit healed. Dry my tears...get up and hold my head high. Listen to worship music all the time!!!!
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