A little piece of you....died and it's gone....But God is still here and he is good and has a reason through all the tears.

The heart heartache so many know nothing about. Infertility......

Here I sit this morning thinking about what I crave the most, more children and yet I'm content. Content, actually truly content. I've shed the tears, I've cried out to Jesus and I've finally come to a place in my life where all I can do is be thankful. Thankful for God allowing me to be pregnant one time. To carry a baby, feel them inside of me, feel those precious little kicks inside my belly. Something every woman craves. I had that! And for that all I can be is beyond thankful!! I don't understand why some people have it SO easy, BAM and their pregnant! Seems SO incredibly unfair! And people who don't even appreciate it at all...or so I think. People willing to just throw that all away. And here me along with so many other woman are just crying out for that! We had a successful pregnancy and we have our little Trent, our miracle. 

The story continues....

A year after Trent was born I was ready to start again, actually truthfully I was ready the day after he was born. He was such a miracle and while pregnancy was rough I loved every bit of it and the miracle of giving birth? I wanted it all again. BUT I waited ;) But then it was time and we started the process again. Medications, shots, trips to Hershey...all the fun stuff...blah! What a horrible end of summer that was though! First implant didn't take. Why God is all I wondered, why? At that point I don't know if it was just me and my desire to have another baby so bad and I wasn't listening to what God was actually telling me or what but anyways I continued my meds and wanted to try another round. Sometimes when you want something so bad all you hear is go go go and maybe along the way I should have seen road blocks, I don't know. At that same time we were dealing with Trent having leg issues and Steve having knee issues and losing days of work. It was Aug maybe pushing September and we had an appointment with Hershey Orthopedic pediatrics for Trent and I scheduled a pregnancy test that same day so we had just one Hershey run. Steve ended up having off that week due to knee pain and swelling. Anyways the night before our appointment we got in a car accident after leaving Steves Mom's birthday party...geesh that was the start of the down fall of things. Our truck was undriveable! . Yep! And come to find out we didn't have rental insurance in on our car insurance, lesson learned there but the hard way of course. Anyways that was a complete mess all in itself. Steves brother Dan at that time was in Florida and had an extra vehicle we could borrow for the week till we figured things out, Thank you Jesus! So we continued on to Hershey in the morning. First we had my appointment and got my blood drawn and headed to Trent appointment. He needed xrays on his leg and ugh to hear your baby cry fighting staying still was no fun at all, thankfully Steve was there to help. As we're at that appointment getting news that Trent's right leg turns in and it's something that time can heel or he could need surgery in the future I got the call from my Doctor. I was pregnant!!!! BUT my hormone levels were very very low and it doesn't look good, they think it's an Ectopic pregnancy. What a horrible day to say the least.  I wanted to just fall to the ground. How much more could I take? But that wasn't the end of things. Steves knee that day just kept getting increasingly worse. He couldn't put any pressure on it and it was in a lot of pain. In the morning we had left for Hershey and it was raining and there was flood warning, well till all our Hershey appointments were through it was flooding!! Bad!!! Roads were covered! Over the loud speaker they said they were no longer letting cars in and out of the Hospital\offices....great! Yeah that wasn't stopping Steve, no way we were camping out there! So we got in the car and headed out the road. Cars were stranded every where from flooding. Scary! So wishing we had our truck and yet we did it, slowly and carefully we pushed through the water. In and out of every possible direction back tracking numerous time. Stopping for drink, pee breaks and food. What a mess! Roads were packed with people!! No where to go! what normally takes 45 minutes took us 3 1\2 hours to get home. However we didn't head home, we headed straight to the hospital close to home. Steve was in that much pain and his knee was that swelled we had no choice. And the mess continued....come to find out Steve needed surgery. I on the other hand had to make trips to Hershey twice a week before switching over to a doctor closer for them to twice a week tell me my numbers were coming down...basically the baby was dying. That's how I took it! I was slowly miscarrying! Nothing like an absolute heart break! No one can prepare you for that heart ache and the worse part of it for 2-3 weeks I had to continue going for blood work till it completely worked through my system. Broke my heart hearing those numbers every week. Some where in my head I just thought because my God is bigger then this he will just perform a miracle and my numbers will just soar the next visit. They didn't and I was broken...broken. Why? Why did I even get pregnant? Why did God do this to me? Why would he give me something and just take it back? How can you have so much joy one second..your pregnant...and be crushed the next? ITS JUST UNFAIR!!!! A miscarriage is something no one understand till they go through it. You just wanna say get over it, move on! Its not that easy. You had something living in you, a little miracle from God, a little life. And now its gone...gone! For us with fertility issues we can't just start over, just go and get pregnant again. As I sit here writing this that little ball in my throat is just swelling up as I write all this down, reliving those feelings. What a rough time. Tears just came so often. I struggled even going out cause I didn't want eyes looking at me in sympathy, feeling bad for me. And yet the hardest part was getting no sympathy from people I thought it would come from. No cards no emails no letters...nothing. And yet others were there for me in every way they could be. It was so hard from then on being around all the babies and pregnant ladies. Why, why not me? As the days went on I packed up all my medications and packed them away...I needed time to heal, emotionally and physically. Where was God leading our family, what was he trying to tell me? Was this all about me and my wants and I was ignoring the person I needed to be listening to the most? I knew then though that at that point things were rough all around finances for us, Steves knee injury, Steves cousin who he was so close to was in a major logging accident, with life flight and all, right when Steve was in the hosptial with his surgery and infection recovery. So many events in such a small amount of time and it just really makes you think. What is God wanting me to get out of all of this? I believe, more then anything, through all of it I need to be thankful, thankful for such a powerful God, one that loves me more then anything and takes care of me when I least deserve it. I never felt alone....I knew that regardless of our struggles and my heartache that He was there and he was carrying me when I couldn't walk anymore.