Baby Blues.

Oh the joys of holding a new born baby. How precious. And yet as much as I crave that all it makes me do today is wanna cry. What a wonderful blessing from God....a precious life given to the parents. A joy beyond words. I sit here and I reminisce about Trent and our NICU days and just the whole first year. Constantly cuddling him and holding him and just simply wanting to cherish every single moment. I knew then just like I know now that God blessed us with such a little miracle, our huge answer to prayers and he may just be our only child. Most days I'm completely content with that. I know God answered my prayers then and he has wonderful plans for our family now. I'm so excited for fostering and I know that God has lead us to that. I'm just craving that life growing inside of me, to hold a precious little baby, to nurse, to have that bond again. The "Why's?" I hate going there and here I sit just doing that. Why why why??? Why all those lost embryo's? Why did we have to go through all that for nothing? Why can't I have what so many have so easily?? And yet just as quick as those questions are rolling out I thank God for Trent. So many woman want exactly what I have...just once...a baby growing in them and then to hold. I had that and so I need to just focus on that and continually be thankful for that. But with all that said and while I am thankful I crave a baby. I yearn for a baby. I would go through all the shots again, all the crazy hormones, the sickness, all of it just to have that precious child in my arms in the end. Its just hard some days. Seeing so many pregnant woman, so many new born babies and so many happy faces celebrating in a new life. Being happy for everyone and congratulating everyone and deep inside just being sad it's not me being congratulated. I sit here and just wanna say lets try again. Adopt more embryo's. But that's me and not God talking...and outside of Gods plans for our family I just don't wanna go there. I see my attic full of baby stuff and I still lactaid. Why, why do I lactaid? I keep saying maybe we will get pregnant someday, a miracle, maybe that's why. A sign that doors not closed. I know my God is bigger then anything and through him ALL things are possible so to me I cling to that. Ridiculous I know, because I lactaid I think that door is still open...but hey ALL things are possible and maybe it is a sign. Trent means the world to me and I can't even describe how much love I have for that little boy, he's my world and I would do anything for him. God is SO good to me and why I question the whys I'm clinging to the fact that God knows my heart and he will, in time, answer my prayers in one way or the other and make me content in that.